Alright dudes, you have one more shopping weekend to not screw this up. Let's talk.

Valentine's Day is kind of dumb, right? Hopefully my mother isn't reading this (or really anything I write on here, ever) because my parents got married on February 14th -- they are saps. Truth is, a lot of people are saps. Let's not mock them, it's kind of cute.

If you're dating a girl who is really into Valentine's Day, you should dump her you should get her something that she will actually like. Skip the box of chocolates or flowers or whatever. V-Day is most palatable when it is an expression of love, and not some weird cookie-cutter present exchange. Hell, most of us (who aren't terrible witches) don't care if you spend a dime. I'd take an awesome letter and a day-long adventure to some weird place over a giant stuffed gorilla holding a satin heart any day, and I don't think there are many girls who would say differently. If you're dating a girl who expects actual goods in exchange for love, then you might want to rethink your dating strategy, because yuck.

Regardless, just because you're not all that creative or a master letter-writer doesn't mean you can't give her something that shows her that you know her, listen to her, and love her. Here's a short list of some ways to go about buying your babe a V-Day (or any day, really) gift she'll love. Bonus: You will totally get banged, especially if you tell her you read an advice article before deciding.

Something She Can Wear

We love clothes, I don't need to explain that, right? If your girlfriend has a job (and if she doesn't, let's talk after class) she probably spends most of her money buying stuff she can wear to work. Get her something fun! A fellow editor and I were the lucky recipients of these two awesome shirts from Design By Humans, an ongoing t-shirt design competition and community where artists and t-shirt lovers can create, buy, and talk about art and t-shirts.

They also make some pretty awesome mens shirts and hoodies, but stop trying to make this about you. The girl shirts are soft, and fit girl bodies really well, which is important, and rare! Whether you like dinosaurs like Cristin, or weird wolves eating roses like me, there are tons of different designs to choose from:

They are having a shipping sale, too! Free shipping on all orders over $75 -- so fine, buy yourself something nice. You deserve it. Please don't get matching shirts. Please?

Something Sexy You Can Use Together

If you and your girl have an awesome and lively sex life, this is a no-brainer: A sex toy is a gift that says "I would love to give you an orgasm," and there is no gift I would rather receive than an orgasm. The awesome geniuses at Jimmyjane sent me the HELLO TOUCH -- a vibrator that visually resembles a pared-down Nintendo Powerglove, which already makes it rad:

The HELLO TOUCH is perfect for couples because it basically gives your own fingers supervibration powers, and there's no big toy to get in the way of being upclose and personal with your babe. Strap the comfy band around your wrist and attach the two silicone fingerpads with ultra-compact vibration pods to your trigger fingers and let your fingers wander. It may look small, but never fear; the HELLO TOUCH packs 3x the power of other fingertip vibes on the market.

If your sex life is a little vanilla, this can definitely be a way to ramp things up, just be careful about the way you present it. Example:

Don't say: "Hey, our sex life is a little bland, so I got us this so it doesn't suck as much."

Do say: "I saw a review about this, and I got really excited thinking about making you feel good, so I got it for us."

At $65 with a three-year warranty, this is not just a Valentine's Day gift, it's an investment in your goddamned future. Also I just looked, and they're having a holiday sale -- beef your order up to $100 with some lube or this awesome massage oil candle that I own and am obsessed with and you'll receive 20% off of your order if you enter the code VALENTINE20 at checkout.

Something She is Always Saying She Wants, But Doesn't Buy

Researching this article was the best, because I got to email the fine folks at and be completely honest in my desire to try fancy things that I can't afford. For lots of women, buying perfume is kind of similar to buying a new external hard drive --  it runs in the background of your life, and when it's time to replace yours, it's kind of a bummer to spend the money. This is why women will sometimes loudly talk about the perfumes they want -- we want you to buy them for us, ok?  Is that so wrong? Apparently not, since was kind enough to indulge me.

Warning: There are a lot of gross perfumes out there that smell like old ladies. Unless your girlfriend is an old lady (no judgement) when choosing one you'll want to look for words like "subtle" and "clean" and "fresh;" you can't go wrong.

The two that I've been wanting to try forever, which I can now highly recommend are:

Dolce & Gabbana Light Blue

I mean, just click on the name and read the reviews, there's not a whole lot of debate -- this stuff smells so good that I want to take a bath in it. I've been wearing it every single day since it arrived. It's subtle, clean and sexy -- you will like the way it smells on her neck. Buy it.

Miami Glow by Jennifer Lopez

I know what you're thinking: Jackie, I am not buying my girlfriend a perfume made by J-Lo; yes you are. 

Is your girlfriend the kind of girl who hates winter and loves the beach? Oh, she is? That's because she's alive. Right around this part of the season, we all get pretty tired of snow and cold and bundling up and moisturizing and wearing layers -- this perfume smells like summer. It will make her happy, and when you smell it on her, it will make you happy too. Hand it to her and whisper something in her ear about how someday you'll take her on a fancy Caribbean trip, but until then, you want her to feel like she's already there. Express trip to bone-town, trust. is also having a 20% off V-Day sale, including free shipping on all orders over $70 -- to get there, might I recommend this Romance Aromatherapy Candle? When I took it out of the box, I thought it smelled weird until I lit it -- it's awesome. Or how about this fancy BlingFusion Limp Plump Gloss -- it has collagen in it, and gives you tingly porn star lips.

Ok, new plan: Get the HELLO TOUCH vibrator, the candle and the gloss, and tell sexy ghost stories:

Done. You're welcome. Happy Valentine's Day, you braggy, lovey jerks.