Morning Stove: Rome vs Stern [AUDIO]

Ready? Hungry? OK! Let's SIZZLE!!!

AUDIO (CBS Radio): When you say "coffee," I think the Next Coming Of Jim Everett... Jim Rome asked a totally reasonable question to NBA commissioner David Stern yesterday, given murmurs that the NBA Draft lottery is rigged and Rome's knack for ribbing anyone who will let him. Stern, who is most pointedly not one of those people, not only responded pretty unreasonably, but botched his delivery of the loaded question fallacy. (Rhetorical question that the Rome's question wasn't fair.) Said, "Have you stopped beating your wife yet?" (Undisciplined read of which implies that Rome's basically loyd Mayweather. He's not.) Should've, "When did you stop beating your wife?" Starts like this. (Then comes the Wife Beating Question whiff.) Stern then questions Rome's man card media credentials. Brings up old beef. Starts new beef. Raises, slaughters, chefs and serves whole herd of cattle.

Bang.

AUDIO (PhiladelphiaEagles.com): Jason Kelce wants you to know, Eagles fans, that he's going to be making the line calls. That's right, him. Also: Dude apparently checked in with long-time Howard Mudd disciple and fellow undersized, oversmartsed guy Jeff Saturday. What he learned? Oh, you know. The use. And Kelce thinks he's better (though we'll take "good enough to put a cap on Mike Vick kill-shots") for it. Pretty smart guy, if only for acknowledging that, with his frame (he's tiny, by prototypical center standards), his longevity depends on what he's got above the shoulders.

AUDIO (ESPN's Mike and Mike in the Morning): Buster Olney didn't yawn at Matt Cain's perfect game last night, just refused to put it atop the all-time perfecto totem. (Unlike some...) Said he's seen better, and against better teams. (Making for a multiplier of better. Craig Calcaterra disagrees.) Speaking of putting things in their place: Olney also bashed the Mets intentions to appeal a David Wright non-error on the one and only hit in R.A. Dickey's one-hitter last night. Said Terry Collins should show the same grace that did Mike Matheny not too long ago. Also noted that the same crew who ump'd last night (namely home plate umpire Brian Unge) Bwas on the field for Phillip Humber's perfect game, and the Mariners' no-no last Friday. One of them should've been there for Armando Galaraga's (almost) perfect, too.

AUDIO (CSN Philly): Case you didn't hear -- you DIDN'T?!? -- the Philadelphia Union gave manager Peter Nowak the (brown?) boot yesterday, promoting longtime assistant Nick Hackworth, who, it seems, won't be breaking apart and packaging the few things that Philadelphia's least marketable sports team actually had to offer fans. Instead? He's gonna, like, try to win and stuff. Actually seemed humbled by the opportunity. Nice guy, that Hackworth seems. Realistic too, for reiterating to Union fans (all 6.7 of them) that righting a ship wronged by crazy-questionable trades (Sebastian Le Toux, Danny Mwanga, Danny Califf) won't be an easy fix. Twice. Helping Philly soccer milk it's 14.2 seconds of relevance for all it's worth: Maybe the quote of the week next five minutes came from Union CEO and managing partner Nick Sakiewicz, talking out (and toeing around) the reasons behind Nowak's ouster. (As if we couldn't have guessed...)

SCRIPTUALS (Philly.com): No, no, Phillies fans -- you're right. Matt Gelb agrees. This pitching staff sucks right now.

SCRIPTUALS (Delco Times): ... And they won't be getting any help from  Domonic Brown . Not if Phillies Assistant G.M. Scott Proefrock has anything to say about it.

SCRIPTUATLS (Pro Football Talk):  Mike Vick is planning on stopping by (and speaking up) at the NFL's rookie symposium. (The wisdom! The humanity! The philanthropy! BEHOLD, MIKE VICK!!!)

SCRITPUALS (Philly.com): Case we didn't make this abundantly clear before: JASON KELCE IS MAKING THE LINE CALLS IN @)!@!!! (Sorry. Symbols there supposed to read. "2012." Didn't let go of the shift key. Couldn't. Hung up with the whole, Steven A. Smith, all caps, "THIS IS ME TALKING LOUDLY" writing voice. Sorry again.)

SCRIPTUALS (San Jose Mercury-News): For those who'd care to slob all over Matt Cain's perfecto, indulge...

SCRIPTUALS (Miami Herald, FOX Sports): For those who'd care to slam LeBron James as the de facto, one-and-only fall guy if the Heat lose to the Thunder in the NBA Finals, you're going to have to look somewhere other than here. Or here. (Or, really, anywhere.)

SCRIPTUALS ( SI ): Really...? Already with the superlatives? Thunder Are The Best Offense Ever!'s couldn't have waited on a 2-0 lead? (If it happens...)

SCRIPTUALS (Philly.com): For those you think (know?) that, in the last year of guaranteed money in his contract, Mike Vick is on a short leash (...), you're alone. Vick has no idea the hell you're talking about.

SCRIPTUALS (USA TODAY, LanceArmstrong.com): Christine Brennan writes that the USADA's investigation of Lance Armstrong "isn't on a witch hunt" and is "only doing it's job." To which Lance Armstrong replies...

STATISTICALS: The Giants gave Matt Cain 10 runs of support in his perfect game . That's the most runs ever scored in a perfect game. The previous most was six, done on two separate occasions.

STATISTICALS (Elias):

Matt Cain's Game Score (what's that?) was 101, the highest of any pitcher since Kerry Wood's 20 strikeout game in 1998 (105). In terms of perfect games, Cain joins Sandy Koufax with the highest ever.

STATISTICALS (Jim Salisbury, CSN Philly): "(Cole) Hamels’ recent struggles continued as he allowed six earned runs in six innings. He has given up 18 earned runs in 26 2/3 innings (6.08 ERA) over his last four starts."

STATISTICALS (Todd Zolecki, MLB.com): "Phillies starters have a 5.97 ERA in 15 games since Roy Halladay went on the disabled list May 28. They have a 5.76 ERA in their last 24 games."

STATISTICALS (Matt Hammond): Jonathan Papelbon is now 17-for-17 in save situations. Running a 2.10 ERA and 0.90 WHIP. (Think that's that good? Ranks No. 32 among relievers with at least 20 innings. Think Chad Qualls' 4.56 ERA is that bad? It's the No. 29-highest, which means, yeah, it could be way worse.)  At 4.41, the Phillies have the fourth-worst bullpen ERA in the bigs.

STATISTICALS (AP): "(Joe Blanton) allowed five runs in 6.1 innings against the Orioles, lowering his ERA in his last five outings to 9.91. Opponents are batting .361 with 11 homers over 26.1 innings in that stretch."

PITCHING PROBABLES

Thursday (7:10 p.m. CT) -- Joe Blanton (5-6, 5.40 ERA) vs. Scott Diamond (MIN, 5-1, 1.61 ERA)

Friday (7:07 p.m. ET) -- Vance Worley (3-2, 3.00 ERA) vs. Drew Hutchison (TOR, 5-3, 4.66 ERA)

Saturday (1:07 p.m. ET) -- Cliff Lee (0-3, 3.18 ERA) vs. Ricky Romero (TOR, 7-1, 4.15 ERA)

Sunday (1:07 p.m. ET) -- Kyle Kendrick (2-6, 5.08 ERA) vs. Henderson Alvarez (3-6, 3.87 ERA)

TWEETABLES:

QUOTABLES:

“Nobody has come to me and told me, 'Your future lies in this season.'"

-- Mike Vick, whose future absolutely lies in this season

"Two weeks doesn’t exactly establish anything. He still needs to play, he still needs to work on his defense, his play. ... Just because he’s had a good two weeks — that’s not what we were looking for before we brought him up. We want him to have sustained success. And that hasn’t really changed."

-- Phillies assistant GM Scott Proefrock, on Domonic Brown, who's still in the minors, for some reason

"The bullpen is in shambles. A payrolll of $178 million bought the Phillies this on Tuesday: Their five pitchers were Kyle Kendrick; three minor leaguers in Joe Savery, B.J. Rosenberg, Jake Diekman; and Chad Qualls, who was signed late in the winter off the scrap heap.

-- Matt Gelb (Philly.com), on the Phillies ratty pitching

"‘When (the Eagles) first told me (I was) starting, I was kind of like, 'well, we'll see how this goes.' There's not that trust or respect level, because you haven't played with the guy yet. As the season went on [the trust between Mike Vick and I] got better and better."

Jason Kelce, on really, totally, definitely making the line calls

"I have never doped, and, unlike many of my accusers, I have competed as an endurance athlete for 25 years with no spike in performance, passed more than 500 drug tests and never failed one. That USADA ignores this fundamental distinction and charges me instead of the admitted dopers says far more about USADA, its lack of fairness and this vendetta than it does about my guilt or innocence."

-- Lance Armstrong, on (eleventy zillionth) doping allegation against him